gray sky. feels like rain. it's the middle of the dry season but we've seen quick downpours the past few days. i love the calm light, gray atmosphere, soft rumbling sounds in the distance before the rain.

i saw saigon again a few days ago, after half a year of being here. the small streets, the random architecture of rectangular houses, the sprawling shops spurting onto the sidewalks, the pushcarts and plastic table sets, the constant road constructions, the grit, the crowd, the heat. i love this place--a sort of jagged love, but love nevertheless.

endless roads. endless nights. late night roaming frightens me somewhat but i can't stop.
i have no destinations, only the thirst for movement.
what generates storms inside our beings? and what eases them? even restless people need a place to lie down sometimes.

this calm before the storm, it's a space of silence. i love silence. i love the pause between the lines. and i love too, the music after the pause. the first curtain of rain sweeping on the roof. pit pat pattering. PitpatPatpattering. slowly. hesitantly. then more urgently, into a louder. stronger rhythm. the sky bursts open. everything bursts open.

chewing on deer jerky. the house is serenely quiet. i love these late night sessions of solitude when there seems to be infinite space and time to ponder about various things--relevant and irrelevant. mostly irrelevant.

craving bread. craving bagels. yes. bagels. it's been ages since i had one. maybe i should make pancakes... i'm suddenly savagely hungry.
ransacking through the content of my fridge. hmmm....
alright, scratch the pancake plan. the flour's infested. how sad.

eating dried seaweed with chopsticks.
maybe i should cook rice and add kimchee.

eating leftovers from yesterday's stirfried bean sprouts and zucchini.
eating a tomato.

ahh...there is no end to it tonight.

and what happens when we crave for things that are not edible, that exist outside the contents of our fridges?

feelingabitcrazy.anxious.mad.breathe. breathe.
untie one string at a time. take a bit more time. takeitalloff. i'm reorganizing my organs. brushing them clean and polishing them RED. thinking.notthinking.thinking.notthinking.
Drat!

thismellowlowlowlow music is not helping. dim lights. vivid memories.

thinking.drat.StoPthinking!

new year resolution

probably the only way to stay sane and happy is to fill up one's schedule to the max. to occupy oneself till one's exhausted and then there's no time to be confused. to think. to feel any sort of emotional shit. hahaha.

taka left on monday leaving me the remnants of his shadows. shadows on the black tiles, a deeper shade of black. shadows on the orange walls. shadows on the wooden floor, rolling, echoing help. i don't want to be a vegetable!
ahaha. you're a bean sprout.
No! I don't wanna be a bean sprout!
but they're full of potentials!
nooOOooooo

we lay in bed and had our joint funeral. gong gong. ready to be reborn as human beings and not bean sprouts.
even though bean sprouts are tasty.

you light up when he's around rebecca said.
yes. i do light up when you're around.

what a pity I remember somebody said a long time ago. but there is nothing to pity on. i love you the way you are. exactly as is. i love where we stand. no jealousy. no seduction. no complications. simply a space that contains so much of life, arts, other people, ourselves. and how the confusions, fears -- the vulnerable part of our beings are on display and there is no fear of falling to pieces when the time for parting comes. you'd guard my heart as much as I'd guard yours.

vulnerability. perhaps, it's that moment in time when people let you see the soft unprotected part inside of them that you understand there's a solid line of trust bonding you together.

i'm sitting in a space filled with your shadows. a bit lonely. a bit hopeful.