anxiety

anxiety ridden. smoke billowing between hair strands. words on the screen blurring together and words from my mouth spinning into webs. and i wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow I wake up and fish fall from the sky instead of water, and birds swim the length of the ocean. i wouldn't be surprised.

life happens and you think real things are the things you can touch. but real things could be the things you believe you are touching. it's all in our head in a way. the past merges with the present and sometimes it's not the past that shapes the future but it's the future that dictates the past, to some extent.
i love you, i love you not. it's magic, and yet a decision. to hold on. to approach. to turn and walk away. you imagine and you decide. and chances give you a reason. you think it's meant to be. but perhaps, perhaps, it's simply chances. just, merely, chances.

i am bent forward on my couch/bed, fingers moving up and down, arms straining. and i'm getting tired but it feels good to ramble. and by now, at this hour, it doesn't matter if these lines are read or not. pure ramblings. just pure.

i float on air and air rest on the pillows and my feet are getting cold so i cover them with a fleece blanket. the lights are off so it's dark all around. except, of course, the screen. but sometimes mid-sentences the screen seems to have dimmed too. fading off into shadows. i'm thinking of you but i no longer know who "you" are or is.

counting sheep. counting days. counting minutes. counting seconds and then counting hours. live intensely under pressure. or maybe pressure is overrated and only cause meltdowns. and i'm really too busy for meltdowns at this moment. i'm busy counting. counting the many things that have shaped my life the past years. counting the many things i will miss. it sucks you know... yet it's exciting. it truly is. i'll be back in that land painting pictures the color of the sun. and your eyes will have to avert because they'll be too bright.

i'm sitting up. i'm lying down. my eyelids are heavy. they're closing. i'm dozing off. i'm letting myself sleep.
falling.
falling.
falling softly into the land of dreams. tomorrow the sun will color my shadow a deep shade of purple.